Kore’s Question
07 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
in Dating, guys and girls, Parents, Purity
Below is an excerpt from the novel Dolorous. I really like this conversation between a young man and the father of a young woman. It’s a great example of how a young man should proceed when seeking to ‘win the heart’ of that special girl. The book takes place in a medieval setting (which is why there’s all the ‘courtyards’ and ‘lords’ and ‘castles’). I hope you enjoy and learn from this fictional conversation as much as I did.
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Excerpt from Dolorous, Chapter Eleven:
Lord Jalon was walking in the [castle] courtyard one morning when he noticed Kore approaching him.
“Sir,” the young man began a little nervously, “could I speak to you privately about something?”
“Of course,” Lord Jalon said as he led Kore to a small bench in the garden. “Here we will not be disturbed. What is it you want to speak with me about?”
“It’s about Naarah,” Kore said a little uncomfortably.
The older knight found this a rather interesting situation. He knew what Kore was going to say and he thought back on when he had talked to [his wife's] father the same way. Lord Jalon found Kore’s nervousness slightly amusing but when he thought of Naarah, he saw it as a very serious matter. “Well, lad,” he said gently, “don’t be afraid to talk to me, I will hear you out.”
“Well, sir, I’ve been watching your daughter ever since I met her and she is so pure and lovely in spirit. I’ve never known another girl like her,” as he continued talking, Kore became more passionate and began to forget his nervousness. “At first I was impressed by her gentleness and sweetness but as I watched her more closely I saw there was more to her than only what could be seen on the outside. She prays every morning and evening for strength and purity and asks God for guidance. Sir, your daughter is very special.”
“Yes,” the older man smiled, “but, I already know my daughter, why do you wish to speak with me about her?”
“Lord Jalon,” Kore said, using the knight’s name for the first time, “I wish to ask for your permission to win your daughter’s heart.”
Naarah’s father sat still for several minutes. He had always known that at some time young men would come to him about his daughter. But here was a young man asking for his permission to ‘win his daughter’s heart’.
Kore began to grow nervous again. Had he asked wrong? Was Lord Jalon displeased with him? Had he asked too soon? Before his fears could grow anymore the older knight spoke.
“Do you understand what you are asking?”
Kore swallowed hard. Why did he have a lump in his throat? “Yes, Sir, I believe I do.”
“Why did you come to me now when most young men only ask for the father’s permission to marry?”
“Because I want your blessing from the very beginning of our relationship and I want the best for your daughter..” he paused, glancing away and then continued in a whisper, “even if it is not me.”
Identity
19 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in Believers, Dating, Singleness
I thought some of you might like to know a little bit about my background in regards to the dating issue. My ideas have changed a lot. Of course my standards about dating are still very strict compared to most. Growing up (something I’m not quite finished with yet) I was quite confused by the ways guys and girls interacted. Maybe you’re still young like me and trying to figure it out. Anyway, here’s my story…
When I was younger we went to a big church. I’ve always enjoyed watching people. How they act, talk, respond to different situations. The way boys and girls interacted was interesting to me. I’d always been taught that dating should be saved until you’re old enough to be serious about it, so I was a little confused to see my 9 and 10 year old peers ‘dating’. Sitting in a group of girls I would hear talk about who liked who and which girls had boyfriends. I noticed certain guys and girls were more popular than others. Since I wasn’t ‘into’ all this girlfriend-boyfriend stuff, I didn’t concern myself with it that much.
Then when I was 12 or 13 I went to a sleep-over. It might have actually been the first big one I’d been to. There were some older girls and they began talking about…boys. Um, wait! I’d never been in this situation before! What was I supposed to do? Talking about boys was…was…well, I just knew I wasn’t supposed to. It confused me. Maybe even frightened me. This was an area I knew nothing about.
In my Jr. High years I started going to a new youth group and made some new friends. I was enjoying myself and starting to come out of my shell. But the boy-girl thing was beginning to be more of a problem. Everyone I knew either dated or was okay with doing it. I noticed that guys gave certain girls more attention. When a girl acted certain ways or looked a certain way, guys seemed more interested. This confused me. What was the big attraction between guys and girls?
Then I moved into High School. Suddenly I knew. Suddenly guys were a little more interesting. That’s when it started to hurt. I was noticing guys, but from all appearances, they weren’t noticing me. Why was that? Guys paid attention to all my girl friends. I was confused. Maybe it was because I didn’t flirt? Of course I wasn’t about to do that. Maybe I didn’t wear the right clothes? Modesty had always been very important in our family. Was it because I didn’t wear make-up like all the other girls? Or was it because I was just ugly?
But I didn’t have to wait long until guys noticed me. Not many mind you. I was not an outgoing person. Dating was still a ‘no-no’ in my mind. I struggled between the conflicting feelings of wanting guys to notice because I wanted to know I was pretty and the fear of being noticed because I felt that would somehow be sinful. I was confused. By now you might be getting the idea that this whole dating thing really confused me.
It took me a while, and many talks with Dad, to figure out that these feelings aren’t necessarily wrong. But I don’t need to have a boyfriend to prove I’m a popular person. Just because I don’t have a boyfriend doesn’t mean I’m ugly. I realized that being single during my teens years was way more freeing.
To me, it seems like a lot of teens (and adults) find their identity in a boy/girlfriend. If they don’t have that relationship they feel insecure, not good enough, and unimportant. I think we all struggle with this to a certain extent. But you know what? We don’t have to find our identity in that kind of relationship. We don’t have to have a boy/girlfriend to be secure. We should find our identity in God and in His Word. We are children of the King. We are heirs to the greatest kingdom ever. We are princes and princesses. We should not have to cling to the world’s false promises for security.
Don’t be afraid of being single. Just because you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t mean you are not as good as others. Break free of the mindset the world tries to force on us – the mindset that says, “If you’re not in a relationship, you’re not good enough.” That is a lie. Once you can realize that you are special just being you, you’ll find yourself feeling so much more free. You don’t have to flirt so you can have a boyfriend or girlfriend. You can be yourself. Feel free to be single. Find your identity in Christ.
Why?
09 Mar 2010 Leave a Comment
in Dating, Love, Marriage, Modesty, Purity, Singleness, Waiting
Why don’t I have a boyfriend? Why am I willing to pursue complete purity even if it means being single when everyone around me has a ‘special someone’? Why do I take the time to shop for modest clothes when the ‘in’ styles are easier to find and will get me more attention? Why do I go to marriage seminars with a bunch of married people? Why am I so passionate about saving myself for someone I’ve never met? Why do I take the time to read books on how to have a godly marriage? Why do I take the time to prepare for a marriage that is still way off in the future? Why?
Sometimes I ask myself these questions. Here are some of the answers I remind myself of. I hope this will give you a clearer idea of what this blog is all about.
First, I want my husband and I to be a strong team. I want us to carry out the Lord’s will for our lives. Already, God has called me to be a missionary in Africa and I know my husband and I will be living on the mission field. For us to be a good team we need to be close. To trust each other. I want to support my husband. I want to be his encourager and cheerleader even when things are bad. By going to marriage seminars and reading Christian books on marriage, I’m learning how to become one with my husband. I’m learning how to keep communication lines open. How to deal with anger and hurt. How to deal with difficulties and struggles in marriage (because those will come). I want to be prepared to be the best wife I can be.
Second, I want to be able to give myself completely to my husband. I want to be a pure bride. I want my husband to have no room for doubt that I have saved myself for him alone. By wearing modest clothes, I am not allowing anyone else to see what should be only for my husband’s eyes. By not ‘dating around’ I am saving my emotions and all of my heart to give as a pure present to my husband on our wedding day.
Third, I don’t want my kids to be afraid that their daddy and mommy might get a divorce. I am almost 17 years old and have never been afraid of my parents divorcing one another. I have seen them have disagreements and make up. I have seen them cry together. Often, I see them pray together. I’ve watched as my parents walked hand-in-hand over the fields by our house as my dad had to tell my mom that he had been laid off at work. I’ve seen them take care of each other when they are sick. I’ve seen them lovingly confront each other when they were wrong. I’ve seen their strength when they had to be away from each other for a long time. And I’ve never been afraid they might get a divorce. It’s not like I don’t know what divorce is either. Many of my friends and family have suffered from divorce. But I always knew my parents’ marriage was strong. I want my kids to have that assurance.
But most of all, I want to honor God with my marriage. I want people to look and my husband and me and see a reflection of Christ’s perfect love. Love doesn’t mean there won’t be struggles and suffering, but it means we will be true to each other no matter what. Unconditional love that points people to God.
Some people think I have too strict of boundaries. Some think I’m silly to be so ‘obsessed’ with purity. Others say I’m anti-dating. But when it comes to purity, I don’t want to be half-hearted. I’d rather error on the side of being too pure than on the side of not being pure enough. Yeah, it’s hard sometimes, but I’m waiting. I’m saving all my passion and emotions until I’m married.
Maybe you don’t completely agree with all my standards on purity, but I hope this gets you thinking about your own purity.
Guard your Heart
05 Mar 2010 Leave a Comment
in Dating, guys and girls, Purity
“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Prov. 4:23 (NIV)
In Taylor Swift’s song “Fifteen” there is a line that goes something like: ‘She gave everything she was to a boy who changed his mind.’ To me, that is very sad.
I’d like to share a story that breaks my heart. A friend of mine, Sam (not his real name) was dating Laura (not her real name). Sam talked about Laura all the time. He was a very needy person and craved reassurance that he was worth something. Laura filled Sam’s need to be in a relationship. Sam’s whole world seemed to revolve around Laura. Then Laura broke up with him. Sam was crushed. And I mean crushed. I worried for his safety. For weeks Sam was in agony. Even though I didn’t know him very well, I could see the deep, deep hurt this had caused him. It was awful. I’ll never forget it.
That’s one of the reasons I’m so passionate about this subject of waiting for your future spouse. Of not giving your self away until it’s time. I’m not just trying to be a kill-joy. I’ve seen how much hurt and pain the dating game can cause.
One of my family’s favorite verses is Proverbs 4:23 (above). My parents have taught me from a very young age to guard my heart and affections and to save them for my husband. The Bible tells us to guard our hearts. Whenever I hear that, I have a picture in my mind of a knight standing in front of a precious spring of water, guarding it against the terrible dragon. We need to be that knight. Put on the armor of God so you can stand against the dragon, Satan, and so you can keep the spring of pure water, your heart, from being polluted. Be careful who you give your heart to.
That’s Just Who I Am
03 Mar 2010 1 Comment
in Believers, Dating, guys and girls, media
“That’s just who I am.”
“Look, I gotta be me.”
“That’s what people our age are expected to do.”
“That’s just teens being teens.”
Ever heard comments like these? I have. Lots. Even from people I love and admire. But I think that this way of thinking is wrong. Lately this, “that’s just who I am” mentality has become very popular. It’s dangerous. Instead of focusing on the kind of person God wants us to become and striving to become that, we focus on who we are and on our pasts. Instead of looking towards the future and preparing for it, we are locked into the present. We try and get as much pleasure out of this time (our teen years) as possible and try to silence that disturbing conscience by telling ourselves that “we deserve it.” We try and hide behind the saying, “that’s just what teens do.” But is this all our teens years are good for? God doesn’t think so. Take a look at what Paul told Timothy in I Timothy 4:12 – “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.” (NIV) We’ll get to that purity part in a minute…
Let me briefly speak to adults. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, mentors, teachers… Please don’t sit back and watch us, the teens and next generation, dawdle away our time instead of preparing to be the men and women God wants us to be. Please don’t give in to the apathy and say things like, “That’s just teens being teens.” “That’s just what they do.” Please don’t expect us to waste our time. And more to my point, please don’t expect us to take our purity lightly. Please don’t shrug it off with, “Well, girls her age usually get pretty intimate with their boyfriends,” or with, “He’s just giving in to those teenage hormones.” Keep us accountable. God has given you charge over us until we are mature. Don’t let us give our purity away to anyone but our future spouse. Use your God-given position to encourage us to stay pure emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Don’t just sit back and watch. Get involved and be our cheerleaders as we struggle to keep God’s commandments in a world that’s constantly sending us the wrong message. Please. Don’t make us go this alone.
Okay, teens, back to you. And back to the subject of purity. The world says that teens are supposed to have a good time while they can. It says that having a good time means having a girl/boyfriend. It tells us that we should have a good-looking popular boyfriend or girlfriend – one that will help us look better and get ahead. It suggests (often very strongly) that having sex is a sign of maturity and glorifies that act in so many ways.
But do you ever wonder if we’re being deceived? Sure, the world tells us “that’s just who we are and that’s just what we’re supposed to do” but is it really? Yes, having a boy/girlfriend is fun, entertaining and often fulfills a longing in us. But what about the breakups? Just part of ‘the game’? Maybe, but being emotionally attached and then breaking that relationship hurts. It leaves you scarred. You leave a part of your heart with that person and that person leaves a part of their heart with you. By the time you’ve been through several relationships there’s so many pieces of broken heart that it’s a real mess. It’s not just a game. The world lures you in with tales of how great being in a relationship is but doesn’t tell you about the pain that relationship can cause if it’s broken.
And sex. Yes, it’s a wonderful, beautiful thing. If used the right way. If not, it only causes pain and heartache. It can even cause physical disease. God created sex to be between a husband and wife. The world is constantly seducing teens to misuse it. The world tells us that sex is a wonderful thing full of pleasure but hides the fact that that kind of pleasure is only temporary and will cause suffering in one way or another later on.
You think I’m wrong? Well just look at the divorce rate. The number of teen pregnancies. The number of kids born out of wedlock. The number of young people living together without being married. It’s a mess. And why? Because our society has bought into the idea that we (especially we, teens) should enjoy the pleasure of the moment. That we should live for pleasure and indulge because we deserve it. We’ve bought into the sayings, “Well, I’m a teen and that’s just what teens do,” “That’s just who I am,” “Teens will be teens.” These ideals aren’t working very well for us. It’s an awful mess of heartache, pain and suffering.
So, let’s turn it around. Let’s start living by God’s standards. Let’s live for God; not for pleasure.
Unequally Yoked
31 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
in Believers, Dating, Marriage
“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14 (NIV)
Some versions of this verse say ‘Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers’. This analogy is a little old and might be unfamiliar to some so let me try to explain. In Bible times, when Paul wrote this letter to the Corinthian believers, fields weren’t plowed with tractors. Oxen did that work. Usually a pair of oxen were ‘yoked’ together. This meant they had a wooden device placed on their shoulders which helped them pull the wooden or iron plow behind them. Working together the plowing got done.
The analogy of being ‘unequally yoked’ is often applied to marriage and courtship. What if a horse and ox were yoked together and tried to plow a field? Things probably wouldn’t go very well. The horse would want to run fast but the ox would want to plod along as oxen do. Just so, if a Christian and non-Christian tried to have a relationship, things wouldn’t go very well. The Christian would want to go to church and read the Bible, the non-Christian wouldn’t. The field of life might never get plowed or if it was, the furrows in the dirt would be very uneven and not good for planting. But two Christians, dedicated to God first and foremost, ‘yoked together’ in holy marriage, would be united, not only in love but also in their desire to serve the Lord. The field of life would be plowed with straight furrows, ready to be seeded.
We could take this analogy a little further. Let’s say two oxen (meaning two Christians) are ‘yoked together’ but one ox wants to veer off to the left while the other wants to veer off to the right. What happens? Well, certainly the field won’t be plowed correctly. It the same way if one Christian feels God calling them to a certain task and the other Christian feels called to another. To give an example; I am called to be a missionary to Uganda, Africa. If I married a man who felt the Lord calling him to be an army chaplain, we would both be trying to go different ways. We couldn’t accomplish what God wanted us to.
Paul’s warning should be well headed. When looking for a spouse, be sure that you are in agreement with religion and direction. For the rest of your life you will live with your husband or wife. You can either hinder the work the other is called to do. Or you can become a team. Both serving God. Both headed in the same direction. Both called to a certain task. Please don’t take Paul’s warning lightly.
Barlow Girls’ stand for purity
06 Nov 2009 Leave a Comment
in Dating, Modesty, Music, Purity
Girls, this post is mostly directed to you but I hope the guys pay attention as well. Maybe you’ve heard of Barlow Girls, maybe not. They’re three sisters using their musical talents for the Lord. I found this video about their stance on purity and wanted to share it.
Yes, it’s hard to stay pure, but the Lord has called us to live for Him not the world. These girls are a great example of young people who are keeping themselves pure for their future spouses. I hope you are encouraged as you watch this.
* Note: The last half focuses on purity, so just be patient and watch the whole thing. The whole message is great.
30 Oct 2009 Leave a Comment
in Beauty, Dating, guys and girls
One thing that makes me mad is when a guy pays attention to me and he doesn’t even know me. At first it was nice, because it meant somebody thinks I’m outwardly attractive but once I started to think about it, I realized it wasn’t so nice. It meant he was only interested in how I looked. Guys like that don’t care a thing about who I really am. They’re not interested in my inner beauty.
The reason this makes me mad, it that when guys do this they’re treating the girl as a trophy. Not as a human being who has talents, character, and opinions. But of course they’re just learning it from the media they are assailed with every day. Our culture is all about the cult of youth and beauty. Young people are taught to “find a good catch” which is defined by the world as someone good-looking, popular, someone who will fulfill your needs and someone who will improve your standing among peers.
Girls, do you really want to be treated as a trophy? Do you want your outward beauty to be the only reason a guy is interested in you? If you only attract guys because of your beauty (or the way you flirt) you will be very disappointed in life. If you get married, chances are you will not have a strong marriage because your spouse will have married you for the wrong reasons. And remember, beauty and youth don’t last forever. What will you do when you are older and none of your outward beauty is left?
Guys, do you really want a girl only because of her outward beauty? Look deeper. Find a girl with inner beauty. One who loves the Lord with her whole heart. If you marry only for the girl’s looks, the chances are very much against a happy marriage for you. You have to remember that beauty and youth won’t last. Will you still love the girl when she has gray hair and wrinkles? You can’t be in the love the outward appearance. You have to love the inner person.
Of course this can work both ways. Sometimes it’s the girl who is interested in a guy for his outward appearance. But the same principles apply. Outward looks and youth won’t last. You can’t be attracted to a person for only those qualities. Don’t fall prey to the cult of youth and beauty.
“For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord loos at the heart.” I Samuel 16: 7b
28 Oct 2009 Leave a Comment
in Dating
Of all the games young people can play, the dating game is the most dangerous. Yes, everything around us says that if you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend you are either uncool, ugly or immature. But what you’re not told is that the dating game is just training for divorce and marital problems. Think about, in the dating game you ‘go with’ someone for a while then break up. You don’t want to be alone for too long so you start ‘going with’ someone else who you eventually break up with because person number three seems the better pick. But you break up with number three because they’re not what you thought so you look for another person to go with. This cycle goes on and on.
Now, let’s face it, most of us teens aren’t all that great at looking beyond the here-and-now and thinking about the consequences. That’s obviously not a good thing in the long run. So, let’s think about the consequences of the dating game. Let’s say you finally find “the one”. That “special someone” who you want to marry. You have the wedding and things go great for the first few weeks, maybe even months. Then struggles and conflict come up. You’ve been trained by the dating game to break up if this happens and look elsewhere. Even if you don’t, it’s still going to make it extra hard on you because of your training in the dating game.
In case you’re wondering, I’m not saying all dating is wrong. Whether you call it dating or courting, you’re going to have to do it to get married. That doesn’t mean, though, that it should be a game to you. Dating is serious. You’re playacting marriage – how a guy and a girl (or man and woman) relate, work through problems, etc. But that should be saved for marriage. Teens don’t need that responsibility yet.
This is the first of many posts I hope to write on this topic so if this isn’t all that clear I hope my point will be made as I write more. For now, let me encourage you to really think about what the dating game is teaching you. Will it help your marriage or harm it?
nataliecorder
